Packout Sorting Hat?

You know the Sorting Hat in Harry Potter?  The one each Hogwarts student sits under upon their arrival that determines which of the four Houses they will be assigned?  "Gryffindor!"  "Ravenclaw!"  "Please not Slytherin, please not Slytherin..."

Yeah, well, I need one of those for packout.  Anyone know where I can get one?  Because having to sort ALL our stuff into piles of UAB (unaccompanied air baggage that will arrive in DC about a week after we arrive), HHE (household effects that will go into storage while we're in DC, but will eventually meet us at our first post), Car (what we will pack in our car for the drive down) and Sidewalk Sale/Trash is just not going so well for me right now.  I need a sorting hat to make all the decisions for me. 

This pretty plaid quilt that my son never uses but looks oh, so adorable draped over his crib as decoration -- UAB or HHE?

My nail polish (of which I actually have very few bottles compared to a lot of women I know) -- trust it with UAB or stuff it in my suitcase for the car ride down?  It's summer, ya know.  Weekly DIY pedicures are a must.

That black pair of Banana Republic pants that I wore ad nauseam when I first bought them a year ago, but for whatever reason I haven't worn since  -- UAB or Sidewalk Sale?

See?  These are tough decisions.  Trivial problems to some, sure.  But tough for me. 

And asking S to help me make these decisions is not getting me anywhere. 

"Hey S, should I keep these pants?"

 * S shrugging shoulders*

"Yeah, thanks buddy."

So will someone please tell me where I can find a Packout Sorting Hat?  Does the State Department send them out with the Travel Orders?  Because I am desperate.

Thanks!